My guest today is best-selling Author Patricia Hickman, who lost her teen daughter. She will be sharing some of her thoughts and devotions today and on the next few Thursdays. If you have a friend who is grieving the loss of a loved one, you might want to direct her here. For comfort and to read how another person coped with loss. Here's Patricia.
Grief Recovery Through the Holidays
By Patricia Hickman
After the sudden loss of our daughter, Jessica, we were warned by other grieving parents of the “dreaded holiday season.” Our family had always enjoyed our Christmas fanaticism, the neighborhood lights competitions, and the many annual traditions we practiced. Having loss thrust on us suddenly, we had to reconstruct Christmas. The old traditions were too painful so it became evident that we were going to have to create a new normalcy for the holidays. Because it had always been our tradition to hang the old handmade tree ornaments made by our children over the years, pulling those precious keepsakes out for me as a mom was devastating. We discussed the issue with our sons and agreed that for at least a couple of years, we were going to keep the tree in temporary retirement.
Whether it is a tree or some other family heirloom that reminds you of the loved one you have lost, thinking of putting those types of triggers out of sight in advance of the holiday season could help to alleviate some of the stressors that may negatively affect your raw emotions.
However, that didn’t mean we were going to force our boys to sit around the house glum-faced. A friend passed along a timeshare that first Christmas so we visited an island in South Carolina, a new experience for us all that created a fresh memory. We were surprised at how a change of scenery lifted our hearts out of the doldrums. The condo came with a full kitchen and we all cooked something different and fun, but not laborious.
After several years, my holiday spirit did return, the ornaments were pulled out, and I was glad to return to our old Christmas traditions.
The best gift a grieving person can give to him/herself is permission--permission to change traditions, to create new normals, to kindly say “no” to social settings that place high expectations on you. The practice of reflecting and memorializing brings more comfort than you know. Personal memorials aid your recovery like a healing balm. Holding a candle lighting service in honor of your loved one can be a comfort and allow you to reflect positively about the one you are missing. Our youngest son and I collected miniature ornaments that we felt his sister would love. We found a miniature tree with battery operated lights. We decorated the little tree, took it to the cemetery, and gave it to our Jess for Christmas. We felt as though somehow she knew and was there with us. Just as we were leaving the cemetery, a soft winter rain let go and in the dim grayness, we could see Jess’s tree shining out. It was a reminder of the light of Christ that had always shown forth from her heart. That is the power of memory-on-purpose. Purposeful memories bring comfort.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to be certain that you don’t fall into the denial patterns of trying to act like nothing has changed. Of course everything has changed from this time forth. By acknowledging that change, you fill that empty space with new memories and reflections; you grieve freely and positively.
“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don’t give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.” 2 Cor. 4:8-10 NLT
Thanks, Patricia. I'm awed that you were able to face the grief and deal with it. I've seen families destroyed by the loss of a child. God bless you and your family.
Do any of you have any helpful hints about how to deal with loss at the holidays? Tell us your stories.
This is Patricia's latest book. Drop by http://patriciahickman.com/ for more info about her and her great books!
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9 comments:
Thanks so much, Patricia, for sharing this heartfelt advice. Our daughter-in-law's dear uncle/godfather died unexpectedly this week as did the unborn almost full-term grandbaby of a friend. Timely words.
My mother was born around Thanksgiving which makes that holiday hard. She did Christmas in a big way as well. I find myself doing little things to remember her like putting out pretty decorative holiday paper hostess towels or using her unique recipes. These are things only she would do so they automatically remind me of her.
It does not matter how long ago we have lost loved ones, we still seek to remember our family.
I found it interesting that Prince William was open enough to say he gave Kate Middleton his mother's engagement ring as a way to have his mother be a part of the event and to keep her close. Doesn't matter if we are common citizen or royalty, we all seek to fill that gaping hole left by lost loved ones.
Peace to everyone this holy season,
Julie
This is such a good post. I too lost a daughter. She was brutally murdered at the age of seventeen. The holidays were a very painful thing for us, as it was Liz's favorite.
We did things differently for the first year, and probably would have the second year as well, but my three sons asked if we could please have Christmas at our house again and do like we used to. It was important to them to have some tradition, sort of life as it used to be, even without their older sister.
I lead grief support groups and we have a special Surviving the Holidays program that we do that gives people permission to NOT do things. It is so important to know that normal will not be the same, and commitments will be over the top for most people.
Thanks for sharing this, and I hope those that are grieving will take hope with all that was said.
Thank you for your comforting article. My daughter lost her husband in August as the result of a motorcycle accident. We are restructuring the holidays -- she is coming to visit me and we are taking a trip to start a new tradition.
We did the same thing several years ago when my husband passed away in January. He was Mr. Christmas and we couldn't face the holidays without him -- so we took a trip to Hawaii and gave ourselves time to heal before having to resume Christmas lights and trees.
May all those who have suffered losses find peace in Christ and may we all remember the true reason for celebration.
I lost my dear Mother in June 2006 to Lung Cancer. It was a major blow to our family as my mother never smoked and seemed to be in the best of health. She was the root of our family traditions. We all had to overcome the anger that almost always comes from losing a loved one in the prime of their life. My dad has never put up a tree and will not let us put one up since her death. However, I have since been able to pull out many of her most precious Christmas decorations and place them with honor on my table and on my tree. I have come to realize what a miracle and blessing from God it was to have her in our lives at all. She was and always will be our angel. Now, when I hold one of her one of her decorations I can feel the love she had for us and for Christmas.
Thank you for leaving a comment about your own journey of grief. Each of you have discovered that you don't "get over" grief or even bring "closure" to your loss. Your loss is personal, devastating, and your life will never be in the same shape as before your loss. I'm so sorry that discussions like this have to happen, but glad they do happen. Our mutual grief is a sacred wall where we gather to remember and memorialize the beauty of the life taken so suddenly from us. Hugs to you and thank you again for being so authentic and honest.
Patricia
I have not lost a child but have lost my parents and my dh's parents and all my aunts and uncles but one now.
Sometimes I weep for friends who have also gone on to the Lord and a brother.
The times I cry the most is driving somewhere alone in the car. That's when thoughts of them come to me. I have no idea why.
Please pray for Mary K who just lost her husband the week before Thanksgiving.
And thanks again, Patricia, for sharing your story. And thanks to the rest of you for sharing too.
I agree that you don't totally get over grief, but I have found that the God inside me is bigger than the loss I suffered. There are always other people that I can help get through things, and when I focus on that, things get better. God does provide healing for grief, and I think its best to ultimately seek healing and find out what kind of life I can be living now. Not that you ignore it or don't give yourself permission to grieve and remember, but that you try not to center your life around it. Our life is to be centered in Christ.
I am facing my first holiday season without my father who died in July of this year. Though we had time to say goodbye, I miss his smile and his laughter. Thank you for this lovely post...(HUGS TO YOU!)
I lost my father 33 years ago (when I was 20) due to a car accident. It was Christmas Eve. I would say that it has only been the last few years that I stopped feeling depressed every December. I know that my siblings and mother have felt the same way. We have gone on with our own lives, but there is always that hole that cannot be replaced.
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