Author Patricia Hickman & A Hurricane Mom

This is the final guest post from my friend best-selling author Patricia Hickman (At least, the last for this year!). Read her story and see if you have experienced what she did. I'll share some too at the end.

The Legacy of Hurricane Mom

By Patricia Hickman

www.PatriciaHickman.com

My caboose, my teenage son, and I experienced an emotional toxicity his last two years of high school. I was justifying the friction between us by saying that his testosterone was getting the best of him—and that was true. But God tapped me one day when I was grumbling about my son in prayer. He asked me to consider why I was so troubled. I knew why. First of all, I was afraid he’d make a poor choice at the precipice of adulthood that would take years to undo.

But secondly, and even more troubling to me, was my fear of turning into the raging mom that my sister and I had endured. My mother harbored a rage that simmered out of the sight of polite company. Her rage would waylay my sister and me verbally and physically. This unhealthy practice pumps adrenaline into the body, even providing a temporary high. It can cause a false sense of power. Living with my mother’s rage was like living with a hurricane. It swallowed up our relationship and any hope for mutual respect. I feared turning into her. The keyword, God showed me, was “afraid.” I knew that faith in Christ had taught me many things, but all of them were gained through my surrendering each of my behaviors to God who could reshape them. Parenting out of fear causes me to communicate fear-birthed harassment, or nagging. That plan had to be as foundational as my faith in Christ. It had to be based on biblical beliefs. The principle that came to me was my need for the patient endurance taught from the book of James. Next, this change in my response required planning.

The next morning on the way to school instead of nagging my son and then both of us losing our temper, I reworded what I wanted to say to him out of my beliefs instead of my fears. To do that, I had to know in advance what I believed. It changed the entire mood during the drive to school--and my tone. We were laughing and conversing rationally like two adults when he got out of the car and went into his school. By refocusing my platform and dousing a negative agenda, I killed the hurricane.

The hard part is doing that every day with my child, my husband, or the people I work alongside. That requires purposeful and specific prayer in conjunction with surrendering what I feel is right for what God expects—and that takes me back to reconciling myself to mutuality with God.

Mutuality with God is surrendering my inherited brand of storm trooper peacemaking for Christ’s desire that I follow his commands. When I do, then true peace reigns in me and over those for whom God has given me responsibility. More than training up my children to be great successes, I want my loved ones to look back on me with both respect and a fondness for the lessons we learned together. By embracing Christ’s transformational legacy for my family, I leave behind a legacy passed down generation-to-generation. That is the power of Christ working in me and my heirs.

“For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” Gal. 5:13

Lyn here--My mother didn't harbor rage, but she married two men who were both alcoholics. I often say that living with an alcoholic is like living in a pressure cooker. The pressure and tension would build till the next explosion. But nothing was ever dealt with or resolves or confronted so there was never an end to it.

I have a calm life with a husband who wakes up in the morning telling jokes and singing silly songs. I LOVE THAT. And I thank God that He has enabled me not to pass that legacy onto the next generation.

Patricia, thanks again for sharing these four Thursdays. Your posts have blessed me. Do the rest of you agree???

Author Patricia Hickman & How to Handle Our Trying Times

Here's my friend best-selling author Patricia Hickman again and what she thinks about what America is suffering now and how we can face...

These Trying Times

By Patricia Hickman

A reader who read the Millwood Hollow series asked me if I thought that America was going to go through another Depression. She also asked me if I thought God would protect his children from disaster if another Great Depression did come. The answer to whether or not we will see another Depression is not one that any of us can know until we’re in its throes. And who’s to say the U.S. hasn’t already entered a new dark chapter. But the second question is clearly answered when placed under the microscope of scripture.

I have to say that I’ve never suffered so much as when I surrendered all to Christ and followed him in full time service. I’ve never known so much disappointment, grief, and, at times, a strong sense of abandonment. While under the weight of loss and failure, there were those who would give us a “word from the Lord,” yet nothing changed. I watched my bank account dwindle and then stood paralyzed as our daughter was lost to eternity following what should have been a little fender bender. So if surrendering your will and your pocketbook to God brings you prosperity and blessings, I must have missed class on that day. One thing was clear, that I had a choice. I could choose to fear and cower or place my confidence in the One who seemed to have abandoned me.

Confidence and fear are two polar opposites. We only have to go as far as the apostle Paul to understand that the riches of faith are tied to earthly trials.

God specifically sent Paul into Philippi knowing that it would be at great cost to Paul, but of rich value to Christ’s higher purposes. Notice that the only “word from the Lord” is one that seemingly sent Paul into disaster. The Spirit of God blocked Paul from going into Asia and Bithynia. He sent Paul a vision of a man inviting him to bring the gospel into Macedonia. Confidence was filling Paul’s heart; but not in whether or not he’d find support to build a flourishing mega-church. His confidence was in trusting God to lead and he obeyed no matter what the cost. What followed would be considered a miserable failure by today’s standards of successful ministries. Paul arrived in Philippi to find only a small group of Jews praying at the city gate. There were not enough of them to form a synagogue. Paul then entered Philippi and wound up in jail.

It’s curious then that there is a book of the Bible called Philippians. Why would a church birthed of a failed leader make it on the blip of Church history in Paul’s epistles?

It is because that even in what should have been Paul’s deepest apology for having humiliated them all by winding up in prison that he pens these famous words from his cell:
”I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always offering prayer with joy in my every prayer for you all, in view of your participation in the gospel from the first day until now.

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Paul continues to shower the Philippian believers with words of great love and affection for them and expressing his yearning to be with them. From a jail cell, he encourages them to pass on the love he has showered on them. Then he explains with great joy how he has shared his faith with the prison guards. He understood fully why God had sent him straight to jail, to show forth God’s love in the midst of disaster.

The events of Paul’s visit launched the church at Philippi. Paul’s confidence was not in the Roman treasury or the affluence of the city. The richness that resonates in Paul’s letter to Philippi comes from the Christ-empowered love that pours out of Paul. His genuine love for them returns to him as joy and that is his strength.

In looking back over our trial, those who we led to Christ and then equipped to serve him are the lives that shine back to us out of our dark season. The love God poured out on us was poured out on those whose path we crossed, and not by accident.

When we understand scripture, it becomes easy to tell the difference in these trying times in knowing what is false and what is true. Our confidence is in Christ and the love he pours through us so that it becomes a shower of love in our community. It returns to us as joy. So any economic downturn is a time for rejoicing as our neighbors can see the contrast in us while we all face the same hurdles. Our response, because of Christ in us, is love poured out on them.

There’s not a Depression in the world that can stop that love feast once it is enacted through trust in God. I’m confident of that.

“For the LORD will be your confidence And will keep your foot from being caught.” Prov. 3:26

That gives me hope, Patricia. We never walk alone.
How are you doing in these trying times? Is God providing?


http://www.patriciahickman.com

Author Patricia Hickman & How to Handle the Holidays When Grieving

My guest today is best-selling Author Patricia Hickman, who lost her teen daughter. She will be sharing some of her thoughts and devotions today and on the next few Thursdays. If you have a friend who is grieving the loss of a loved one, you might want to direct her here. For comfort and to read how another person coped with loss. Here's Patricia.

Grief Recovery Through the Holidays

By Patricia Hickman

After the sudden loss of our daughter, Jessica, we were warned by other grieving parents of the “dreaded holiday season.” Our family had always enjoyed our Christmas fanaticism, the neighborhood lights competitions, and the many annual traditions we practiced. Having loss thrust on us suddenly, we had to reconstruct Christmas. The old traditions were too painful so it became evident that we were going to have to create a new normalcy for the holidays. Because it had always been our tradition to hang the old handmade tree ornaments made by our children over the years, pulling those precious keepsakes out for me as a mom was devastating. We discussed the issue with our sons and agreed that for at least a couple of years, we were going to keep the tree in temporary retirement.

Whether it is a tree or some other family heirloom that reminds you of the loved one you have lost, thinking of putting those types of triggers out of sight in advance of the holiday season could help to alleviate some of the stressors that may negatively affect your raw emotions.

However, that didn’t mean we were going to force our boys to sit around the house glum-faced. A friend passed along a timeshare that first Christmas so we visited an island in South Carolina, a new experience for us all that created a fresh memory. We were surprised at how a change of scenery lifted our hearts out of the doldrums. The condo came with a full kitchen and we all cooked something different and fun, but not laborious.

After several years, my holiday spirit did return, the ornaments were pulled out, and I was glad to return to our old Christmas traditions.

The best gift a grieving person can give to him/herself is permission--permission to change traditions, to create new normals, to kindly say “no” to social settings that place high expectations on you. The practice of reflecting and memorializing brings more comfort than you know. Personal memorials aid your recovery like a healing balm. Holding a candle lighting service in honor of your loved one can be a comfort and allow you to reflect positively about the one you are missing. Our youngest son and I collected miniature ornaments that we felt his sister would love. We found a miniature tree with battery operated lights. We decorated the little tree, took it to the cemetery, and gave it to our Jess for Christmas. We felt as though somehow she knew and was there with us. Just as we were leaving the cemetery, a soft winter rain let go and in the dim grayness, we could see Jess’s tree shining out. It was a reminder of the light of Christ that had always shown forth from her heart. That is the power of memory-on-purpose. Purposeful memories bring comfort.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to be certain that you don’t fall into the denial patterns of trying to act like nothing has changed. Of course everything has changed from this time forth. By acknowledging that change, you fill that empty space with new memories and reflections; you grieve freely and positively.

“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don’t give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.” 2 Cor. 4:8-10 NLT

Thanks, Patricia. I'm awed that you were able to face the grief and deal with it. I've seen families destroyed by the loss of a child. God bless you and your family.

Do any of you have any helpful hints about how to deal with loss at the holidays? Tell us your stories.

This is Patricia's latest book. Drop by http://patriciahickman.com/ for more info about her and her great books!

Author Patricia Hickman & Her Most Desperate Hour

The Power of Solitude

By Patricia Hickman

After the loss of our daughter, everything inside of me shifted never to return to the same shape again. I had loved noise and activity and being around crowds of people. Suddenly, my tolerance for clamor evaporated. I had to find time alone. The first time I went away on a retreat to practice spiritual solitude my goal was not to be needed by anyone. But what awaited me was a surprise.

The first day I knelt in a quiet room overlooking a rose garden. I was acquainted with practicing God’s presence, seeking God in a waiting posture, not asking for anything. So I did that until the silence became nearly deafening. Restlessness set in. I paced. After two days of solitude, I moved out to the rose gardens where I journaled. By the third day, though, I was finally beginning to relax and become accustomed to the silence. That is when I first noticed God speaking to me. Had he been doing that all along?

Next God showed me the condition of my own soul. Realize women are already innately racked with guilt. But when God examined me, I sensed a benevolent soul hovering over me, guiding me to understand why I stumble or why I keep taking the same hills. It was a necessary examination. Next came the realization of those whom I had wounded. The latter part of that confessional practice—recognizing those I’ve wounded--had eluded me most of the time because I lived in a continual clamor. So as I began to repent, a deep sense of sorrow followed.

From that time on, I began to find creative ways to practice solitude in God’s presence. When I left behind the noise of everyday life, I realized God has been talking to me when I thought he had fallen cruelly silent. But the noisy place where I lived prevented me from hearing him. I realized that when I’m home and allowing my life to spin out of the busyness of activities, I can easily adopt pseudo-spirituality. I justify my actions, anger, judgmental attitudes if I measure my life by the life of other flawed humans. But when I seek him in solitude, then I no longer have others around me as my measuring stick, just the measure of my own sin-sick life against the radiance of Christ.

In the past, I would breathe a quick prayer in the morning, rattle off a generic “forgive me of all my sins,” and then hit the day, guns-a-blazing. But what I learned through this new practice of solitude was my own need to offer up everything to God for his examination. The more I practiced it, the more I found myself inviting his examination of me throughout the day. And that is when I discovered an amazing lightness of being I had not known in all of my striving—a condition the Bible calls God’s “perfect peace.” In my most desperate hour, I finally understood what scripture means by God’s “gentle whisper.”

"The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper … " (1 Kings 19: 11-13) --Patricia

Thanks for sharing so candidly, Patricia. Perfect peace is attractive to us all in this hasty, bizzy world. Your "guns-ablazing" definitely matches my style. I don't often seek God in silence. You've given me something to consider. Thanks.

And here's the cover of Patricia's latest book. I gave it 5 stars when I reviewed it on GoodReads, not something I do very often.--Lyn

Now a couple of important links with the chance of winning a prize!

http://www.patriciahickman.com

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Patricia-Hickman/34010447810?ref=ts

And by visiting either of these web addresses, bloggers may register for my Pirate Queen Treasure Trove with the grand prize of a 3G Kindle, an e-book version of The Pirate Queen, and 9 other great prizes.

Author Patricia Hickman & The Miracle Refrigerator

Today my guest is Author Patricia Hickman, who shares her experience with The Miracle Refrigerator. Here's Patricia:

"Over a decade ago, my daughter Jessica and I organized a gift for some children we heard were often passed over during Christmas. The children and/or their mothers were unfortunately infected with the HIV virus. Most were in need of essentials like warm clothing, but we wanted to provide them with both some clothing and a toy. It was a small outreach, but the families’ spirits were lifted and it seemed the right thing to do.

But tragedy darkened our ministry endeavors when Jessica was taken from us later that spring in a car accident. I didn’t think I could possibly continue to do the outreach because she had done so much and because it was too painful to do it without her. Besides, I was a Christian novelist and at that time, even writing was hard enough to manage.

But a group of moms surrounded me with support and said that if I would lead and give them directives, they would oversee the Christmas drive. We more than doubled our giving that Christmas in spite of my desire to avoid the holiday season altogether.

A couple of years passed and we continued to give, asking merchants and other churches to put up what we called a Secret Angel Tree, secret because of the privacy laws protecting a stigmatized group of women and children.

But that spring the case worker I worked in conjunction with from the Carolinas Medical Center called me, remembering that our group had provided the gifts for her young clients.

She told me, “A patient’s refrigerator is going out. All of their medications are refrigerated. If this family loses their refrigerator, in an hour all the meds will be gone.”

That was aside from the fact that all their food would spoil too. For a family stressed under the weight of the financial problems caused by AIDS, this was a crisis.

I didn’t know what to do and complained to my husband. He told me, first of all, to hit my knees. Then he coaxed me into making some calls to the families who had provided the Christmas gifts. I alluded to the need, asking people for money whenever possible. I picked up the phone and started calling each family to tell them what was happening to one of our families. Within a half hour, families from all over town were driving over with checks and cash to our house. My husband called the local Lowe’s Home Improvement store and told the manager about this family’s situation. The manager told us to bring whatever we had collected to him as soon as possible. I hated to be the one to tell him, but we had only raised a little over three hundred dollars. The store manager accepted it without reservation and delivered a brand new refrigerator to the house within the hour.

That was a pivotal moment in the history of the Secret Angels Project. What I came to realize over time was that the women we had been helping suffer crises throughout the year, so the need for our raising support should become year-round support. Besides their health issues, some are victims of a spouse or partner who doesn’t tell her he is leading a double life. Some of our moms were battered and left in women’s shelters only to return home and find their bank account drained and their electricity off. They were fired for their illness, evicted, their children taunted and abused by a community that did not understand the HIV virus. The work we had been doing in secret was creating a bond with an outcast group of truly wonderful women who loved their children and were in desperate need of simple compassion.

When I was going through a crisis myself, I assumed that I was too numb for God to work through me. What I realized over time was that my numbness was another opportunity for God to be God.

Novelist Patricia Hickman is an award-winning author of over seventeen books. Her novel The Pirate Queen will release August 10, 2010 and is a story of a woman who thought her life was over until she opened it to a special child who taught her the meaning of love."--Author Patricia Hickman

Thanks so much for sharing that story, Patricia. God works through us but doesn't need us to be anything but willing. I read The Pirate Queen and loved it. I recommend it highly to all women.--Lyn